My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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