All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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