It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
