I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
