she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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