if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
