You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
