Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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