I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Never underestimate the power of titties
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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