I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
