did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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