Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
