This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
