Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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