thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
