My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
