he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
