How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
