There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Success! We fucked roommates!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
