At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
