Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
