we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
