Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
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I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
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That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill