He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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