Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
