I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No...this little piggys going to the bar
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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