I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
