My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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