Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
