im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
