Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
