thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
