I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
