dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
operation have a gay friend backfired
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
