I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
