I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
