I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
