yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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