Who did Billy Mays play for?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
