i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
