So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
