dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
