Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize