I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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