Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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