I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
