someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
