i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
