every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
