So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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