are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
