I am in a vortex of obligation.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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