Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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