shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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