can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm like, not good at living.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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