I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
